When despair grows in me and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day - blind stars waiting for their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
- Wendell Berry
Oh, you poor abandoned blog.
Sometimes I think the only times I would write in here, is when there's somethings I need to get off my chest, and it's something I can't imagine talking to anyone specific about it. How more depressing can drivel get.
I hate gossip. I'll admit that there are many times when I gleefully indulge in it, and even enjoy the sense of relief to my self-esteem that accompanies a judgement over someone else. But while I think a little gossip can be harmless and fun, too much of it just hurtful. Why does it matter to rate how good someone looks, or how apparently desperate you think he or she is. It particularly scares me when I wonder how much of my affairs are being discussed by a gossipy friend.
I have some trouble restraining comparisons between myself with others lately as well. I am well-aware I am being over-sensitive and insecure, but sometimes it's just easier to look down on yourself then find something you can be proud of. I can't run triathlons, my academic results are not noteworthy, I am not on scolarship, no I am not taking law, I can't drive. It particularly gets to me when people assume, based on who I am friends with, I am someone equally impressive. I am not. My laundry is an unfolded mess on my bed and I have not intention in the short-term to tidy it, I am typing this in the com lab because I somehow killed my laptop again, my health insurance expired for three months before I could be bothered to renew it, I can't remember the last time I exercised, I ate chips for lunch, I've been walking around blind or with red eyes because I lost my glasses and refuse to replace them in Aus. I have never been particularly intelligent or pretty or friendly and it was always okay. It's just that... when the people around you are so especially well put together, it makes it seem, by comparison, your life is falling apart at the seams.
On a few happier notes, I am hooked on a new tv show, I see Eggtart everyday, I am preparing for a vacation in NZ with the family, and the pimple on my nose is disappearing.
Hope a lovely, sunny Sunday!
