Tuesday, August 18, 2009
If what they say is 'nothing is forever', then what makes love the exception?
My YP passed away last month. I don't know why, but I feel the grief as raw as I did back when I heard it over the phone. I'm just not ready to say goodbye. It wasn't unexpected - she was in a coma for weeks. My parents finally decided to take her off the respirator, only to have her improve miraculously. And I felt she was just waiting for me to come back. But it was a struggle, and she still left in the end. And my parents, they are already over it, going about their lives as if nothing has changed. But she is gone, and I feel abandoned. For 21 years, she had been my rock. I used to curl up next to her at night whenever I was sad. And she would always cook my favourite food before exams. And how she would sometimes ask me to buy the paper on the way back from school, but I would remember only half the time. Everything just seems so meaningless now, such that even leaving my room is a chore. I wish I could speak to her again. I wish I could tell her how I feel. That she was special, and my heart hasn't felt fully happy since.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
good feeling, won't you stay with me just a little longer?
I don't really have anything to say except that right now, I'm sad.
Living with Jas and Don is the usual fun, but lately I've been considering moving back into a hall. I miss hanging out with certain friends, waking up just 15mins before class and even small talk with acquaintances. Which is why, on impulse, I applied to a few halls. And unilodge responded with an offer for a studio. I doubt I would take it, but now more than ever I must admit, it is very, very tempting.
My heart hasn't recovered from my trip to Indo either. I miss it and the friends I made quite terribly. We were riding bikes everywhere every day (including me, I was riding. a. bike!), smoking, uncovering an actual political fraud, hanging out with people in the kampung, sightseeing and eating. Oh, the food! Fried chicken in the morning is quite welcome. My 21st birthday was thus spent with new friends in a foreign place, but it was significant, and one of the happiest days of my life. And because of all this, I've been quite distracted lately. It might be too presumptuous to think that something inside me changed, but I know I won't be at ease till I return one day soon. In the meantime though, my future does seem a little clearer to me. I've always wondered if I was cut out for living in the developing world, sheltered as I am, but even with all the lack of luxuries and amenities there, I was honestly happy.
My dear grandaunt died on July 10th, after a long struggle. She's the first person I've loved to actually pass away, but I've accepted it. For a while, I was in a bad shape. Just not knowing how to survive in a world without her. But it's easier now I suppose because I'm not actually home. My parents keep telling me not to be sad, to celebrate her life etc but I can't do that. Time will pass, and I know there will come a time when I miss her less, but right now, I'm lost.
A dear ms lin was also supposed to come visit me as well a few days back, and I was looking forward to it with a vengeance. So when the time came, and she got into an cycling accident, I was horrified and worried, then disappointed and sad. She'll be alright, in case you're wondering. But Canberra suddenly seems alot lonelier.
Because of my three english courses this semester, I have about 20 or so novels to read. Anna Karenina is one of prescribed texts, but even she isn't helping lately. Sometimes I understand her and sometimes I don't. But for the most part, I realized Tolstoy is a very generous writer. Minor characters get stories, and it is in the details where they start to seem like real people. It's the same with Anna, and I do think that somewhere along the way writing, he fell in love with her. It's one of my favourite books to read, just somehow depressing now at a time when I'm already quite sad.
But life is short, and I know there are/will be plenty of things to look forward to. Like meeting the Indo lot for dinner tomorrow. Yea, things will get better soon.
Living with Jas and Don is the usual fun, but lately I've been considering moving back into a hall. I miss hanging out with certain friends, waking up just 15mins before class and even small talk with acquaintances. Which is why, on impulse, I applied to a few halls. And unilodge responded with an offer for a studio. I doubt I would take it, but now more than ever I must admit, it is very, very tempting.
My heart hasn't recovered from my trip to Indo either. I miss it and the friends I made quite terribly. We were riding bikes everywhere every day (including me, I was riding. a. bike!), smoking, uncovering an actual political fraud, hanging out with people in the kampung, sightseeing and eating. Oh, the food! Fried chicken in the morning is quite welcome. My 21st birthday was thus spent with new friends in a foreign place, but it was significant, and one of the happiest days of my life. And because of all this, I've been quite distracted lately. It might be too presumptuous to think that something inside me changed, but I know I won't be at ease till I return one day soon. In the meantime though, my future does seem a little clearer to me. I've always wondered if I was cut out for living in the developing world, sheltered as I am, but even with all the lack of luxuries and amenities there, I was honestly happy.
My dear grandaunt died on July 10th, after a long struggle. She's the first person I've loved to actually pass away, but I've accepted it. For a while, I was in a bad shape. Just not knowing how to survive in a world without her. But it's easier now I suppose because I'm not actually home. My parents keep telling me not to be sad, to celebrate her life etc but I can't do that. Time will pass, and I know there will come a time when I miss her less, but right now, I'm lost.
A dear ms lin was also supposed to come visit me as well a few days back, and I was looking forward to it with a vengeance. So when the time came, and she got into an cycling accident, I was horrified and worried, then disappointed and sad. She'll be alright, in case you're wondering. But Canberra suddenly seems alot lonelier.
Because of my three english courses this semester, I have about 20 or so novels to read. Anna Karenina is one of prescribed texts, but even she isn't helping lately. Sometimes I understand her and sometimes I don't. But for the most part, I realized Tolstoy is a very generous writer. Minor characters get stories, and it is in the details where they start to seem like real people. It's the same with Anna, and I do think that somewhere along the way writing, he fell in love with her. It's one of my favourite books to read, just somehow depressing now at a time when I'm already quite sad.
But life is short, and I know there are/will be plenty of things to look forward to. Like meeting the Indo lot for dinner tomorrow. Yea, things will get better soon.
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