I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours.

Hola. Well, hi there! Hey! Let me take some time to properly explain what is going on. Things aren’t actually as bad as the previous posts made it seem. Really. It’s probably because the only time I can be motivated to reflect and blog, is when I’m in a serious state of emo, which has definitely been getting less and less frequent. Maybe it’s because I found this great friend who LIKES cooking. His name is Jackson (LOL it’s like he has two surnames). He cooks really well so things are picking up. I haven’t eaten instant noodles in a week. Heh.

Oh gosh, and how haven’t we talked about this yet, I can cook! I can fry omelettes and…umm. Actually, that was it. My nice friends have tried it and it wasn’t bad, except maybe for the people who made a gurgling noise and slowly slid off the chairs. I’m sure they loved it, but I didn’t ask because they were too busy cursing under their breath. Maybe I should try making some for dinner now? Except all I can cook is that ONE BLARDY THING and I will be eating that one thing for the rest of my entire life, I KNOW IT—

Apparently I’m talking about food, despite my best efforts not to. Anyhow: I went swimming yesterday, and it was definitely the best day so far. I’m not sure why, maybe it was the endorphins. A friend and I walked around a lake, and it was nice. Then we came back to a big dinner (cooked by good ol’ Jackson of course). I don’t know, it was a good day.

The condition of my room is just embarrassing, especially when people come over. I swear, it’s fit for hobos. Maybe that’s what making my hair static. As I was telling Van, my hair is beyond control. Literally like violent, bizarre hair-wings. Isn't hair weird? When you really think about it? Weird follicles sprouting from your scalp? Why do we put up with it?

Internet time here is so expensive. I mean, they have free wireless, but it’s so slow that by the time the page loads, the dust has settled around me. So I have since decided to lay off the computer, even though it has been my only friend, and I was online for about 35 hours a day.
That lasted a full 52 minutes, all of which I spent curled up into a ball gasping on my floor.

On a more serious note, I have been avoiding someone lately. And it’s not because either of us has done anything wrong, but because everything is so great. It’s really selfish of me, but things are just perfect the way they are now. This is sounding mentally blown, I know. But if things can’t get more perfect, then it can only get worse right?

Anyhoo, the workload is still okay compared to the A levels. Aiiiigh. Time for a haircut.

With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves, let me forget about today until tomorrow.

I’m so tired thinking about home again tonight. Probably the only thing keeping me from breaking down is the hot mug of chamomile tea with honey on my desk. Surely feelings like this can’t last forever. Auntie Josephine is leaving for real. I won’t stop her, but she has been with me for almost 10 years. I’m too tired to articulate coherently how I feel right now, but suffice to say I feel like shit.

So this post is for Auntie Josephine, the person who has been there with me even when my parents weren’t. Whose awesome cooking I never took the chance to learn. And the one who kept me sane all these years. I’m sorry I can’t come back to see you off, but I hope you know how much I wanted to be. I hope you’ll be happy.

Anyhow: Mila is coming to help out. I don’t know what the hell is going on anymore. I want to go home. Australia is wearing me down. I know I can go on, and I will, but these days have been on the verge of my control. I have a group of okay friends here but it’s not enough for me to go on. I need to know I’m still remembered back home. I need someone to tell me that I can handle this place. Listen to how weak and spoilt you sound. Bluuugh.

I’m going to take a long sleep now. Things will be better when I wake up.

Freedom's just another word for nothing to lose, nothing is worth nothing but it's free.

Is it the future already? My friends are jerks for being busy and so uncontactable but then it's probably because my attention has been so divided so who's the jerk here I think it's me. I have made friends here, but it doesn’t mean I miss the ones back home any less. It’s still hard for me to get a sense of reality, especially when I still feel surprised every morning to be waking up somewhere not in my room. Food is the main occupying thought of my mind, and I fall in love a little bit every time someone cooks for me. I miss swimming, but even bathing has become a chore. Psyching yourself to love the cold only works when you’re huddled next to the heater. For some weird reason I drink a lot of tea here. People here are psychotically smart, but then so am I so there hah who am I kidding. My skin is dry as if I have been sitting under the sun the last two and a half days when I haven’t even seen the damn sun. And a constant diet of jelly beans does not make you happy, it makes you want to cry. Everything here is like in Bizarro.

Anyways: now here I am. In Canberra, the city that sleeps at 5. This future is not how I pictured it, but I’m tired, so it’ll do.

It takes alot to laugh, it takes a train to cry.

Yep so it’s been a pretty cool time in Singapore. And I finally left last week. I honestly didn’t think I was strong enough not to cry in front of all my friends, but I managed to hold it in till the plane. I was really touched by all my friends who came to see me off you have no idea. Who would’ve thought I would be so reluctant to leave. But seriously, I never knew how painful it was to be letting go of so many things at once. I miss all my friends, the family, the baby, my room, my books, the sun, and the swimming pool. Don’t forget me too soon.

It’s cold here, and I don’t really know anyone yet, so things have been a little unsettled. People are insanely conversational here, and it’s puzzling to the point of being a little disturbing. My room is cozy, with a tiny walk-in closet and all the usual things in a dorm. The kitchen is friggin’ huge, and there’s a large plasma TV in the lounge. I shall steal it on the way back. Canberra is really puny, and it’s really quiet. But lordy, things ain’t cheap. Some Chinese guy in the city center ripped me off a simple meal of mixed rice for 9aud. The place is called Dai Ho. Don’t go there. Also, I have stocked up on food to last me for the next week. Literally. If a tornado comes, I’ll be able to survive on my supply of instant noodles, cookies, chocolate, pasta, coke, orange juice and soup for at least a week.

Everything is so confusing now. But at least distance has a way of making love understandable.

I need something strong to distract my mind, I'm going to look at you till my eyes go blind.

Today was a shitty day. Quick ask me why. Well, it's my second last day in Singapore. And as uneasy as I'm feeling about leaving now, I do realize how lucky I am, to be able to go somewhere with the feeble grades I got. I'm genuinely moved, to have a family who is willing to sacrifice a lavish lifestyle for me, and friends who would take the trouble to meet me to say goodbye. And I was really quite happy this morning, sitting in the tang yuan shop with a bunch of my close friends. And then came the realization that that was the last time. I wish we could have sat there just a little while longer.

About 8 of us ate dinner at clarke quay, including my teacher Mr Yoong. It was really exciting and comforting at the same time, to see someone you trust and respect tell you about his life, his mistakes and the rock bands he likes (although Travis' latest album was indeed disappointing, despite what he says). But when he commented on the International Relations course, I realized why I was feeling so uneasy lately. Because Arts/Psych is not really what I want to do. Is it? I have no clue. I do get to major in International Relations in the Arts course though, which actually makes it even more pathetic, trying to pursue a shadow of what you really want to do. And Mr Yoong also said something else that life is all downhill after Uni and I vaguely believe him. Will this be the peak of my life? It bothers me that there's nothing better to look forward to. Which makes me want to prove him wrong all the more.

I was a shitload of problems in my two years in JC and the poster girl for passive-aggressive rebellion. I guess I have more or less come to terms with all that rubbish, but I just wish I had a chance to explain it all to certain people what happened. And to thank them for getting me through all the rubbish. Especially to the person who said to me "It's time to stop hurting the people around us." There's not much I can do to apologize or thank him, but hopefully he knows that he has made an impact in my life, and how sincerely glad I am to have known him.

I know I need to get stronger, and I will. I'm too reliant on the people around me to stand up for me and to be there for me. I'm gonna rock Australia, so the next time you see me, I'd probably have joined a biker gang and hiding a tattoo somewhere.