mean that we’ve caught a cold front, or that this
is the End. Any number of possibilities.
At the moment, there’s water leaking
into my train car through a tiny gap
near the floor. Even though we’re moving,
the rain—that clever creature—is finding
a way into our hearts, or at the very least
our shoes. I know that the storm is nothing
in comparison to what it is south, but
there is something awful and damply true
in the tiny leak that I am watching
here in my corner of the train. It means
the thoughts I’ve been having about endings
will wet my heart and my shoes no matter
how fast I think that I’m moving.
- Adrienne J. Odasso
How most relationships are sustained (frienships included) has always been somewhat of a mystery to me. Over the years, I have realized some distinct patterns. There would be times when I would get really close to someone, share almost everything about myself, and then after a while, find some reason to pull away. Usually the result of which are semi-occasional awkward meetings worse than strangers. And this has happened more times than I can count on one hand. I still trying to understand why.
It's almost as if all my close friendships have an expiry date - a best-used-by period. Something similar is happening now too, and being in the midst of it is odd. Because I can identify so clearly the reasons why I seem to be needing endless amounts of space from that person. And they are reasons which I have always known, but have chosen to overlook because why do they matter? Maybe it's because in the early stages of a friendship, it's easy to say how alot of things aren't important, like how that person loves shopping and gossiping and still think it's part of her charm. But as time goes by, it becomes harder to engage with that person when a more meaningful connection doesn't emerge. I know how selfish I sound. And believe me, this isn't the person i want to be. What's wrong with me?
I also have somewhat of a love/hate relationship with acquaintances as well. On one hand, I hate small talk. I hate repeating the same irrelevant things about myself over and over. Oh so what are you studying? That's so cool! What courses are you doing this semester? Wow they sound hard. When are you graduating? Haha I see, I don't have any plans yet either. It's tiring. But on the other hand, sometimes I think it is the only real level of contact with someone I can sustain in the long-term. It sounds horrible, but occasionally this thought would cross my mind, that the only reason why I can maintain a semblance of a friendship with those back home, is because of the physical distance between us.
Somewhere at the very bottom--the kernel, the very heart--I suspect, of the problem is that love has failed us, failed us both. That we simply can't love any more as we used to, that it wore out, that it died somewhere, that fine aroma, that intoxication. And we will neither of us admit it.Anyway, I saw some Calvin & Hobbes fanart on deviantart the other day. Aren't they adorable?
I always sound so angsty on this blog, but I don't think that's how I normally am. It's just that the only time I can really be bothered to write, is when something is gnawing at me and writing is my way of relieving it. I know of someone, who ended a relationship because it was making him too happy, and he wanted to concentrate on his writing. For awhile I thought that was a understandable, but not excusable, reason. But nowadays I tend to think if you're honestly a good writer, you wouldn't need to go to such lengths for inspiration. That even that person making you "too happy" can be a source of inspiration too.
Recently I had a talk with Eggtart about politics. And it was one of those conversations that finally made me realize how ignorant I truly am. I know plenty of American politics, sure. But when it comes to Singapore, I know squat. I know the main problems - inequality, the labour market, immigration, lack of media freedom. But I always thought something along the lines of "yes it's bad, but relative to other countries, it's not that bad". And it was probably because I was on the right side of the inequality. Those were problems I am aware of, but honestly, they barely register as a blip on my horizon. The fact is, I am that typical smug local, relatively content with my life in the bubble, because I've hardly had any first or second hand experience with those problems. But worst of all, I am a politics student.
Fortunately though, only 18 days till home.
You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.
Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)
You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.
But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.
Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.
- e.e. cummings
