Occasionally I think about this group of people I had come across. I do still try to simplify and relate to them like I once did but whenever I think about them, my first instinct is not anger, but more like a guilt-based pity. It's a very mild kind of judgemental superiority complex which I know is as bad as anger and a desire for revenge.
This book by a philosopher I read once wondered if humans were born innately good but with bad tendencies or vice versa. I would like to think it's the former, even if they are people who have done me wrong. Maybe people are born selfish, with strong defenses for self-preservation, which would inevitably come into conflict with another person. The truth is, I have yet to forgive them for what they have done, but I know I will in time to come. Just, not yet.
I think alot about the future, and I find myself thinking about how similar my life would be to my parents'. They make a great partnership, but their relationship is like "two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl, year after year". Marriage seems doomed to be a failed constitution. Why do people get married in the first place? To declare their love to the world? For the security of tying down their partner? I can just forsee myself growing tired of another person in a few months of neverending obligations. Even the teacher I admire very much admitted to having commitment phobia.
This... is not an angry tirade. It's just, I have never seen a marriage work before. My grandma seriously hates my grandpa, and not in a loving way. She is literally able to anticipate his reactions and you can tell how tired she is of his mannerisms. But then again, they had only met on the day before their wedding. Sometimes I think I would like to be the opposite. To fall in love when I truly and completely understand another person. To be able to predict which tie he would choose to wear to work that day, or what he could be thinking of on his way back from work. But it's a romantic illusion, and reality is never as such. My good friend remarked a few times before how fickle I am. And I know how true it is.
