where the moss slowly grows.

Friendship is a serious affection; the most sublime of all affections, because it is founded on principle, and cemented by time. The very reverse may be said of love. In a great degree, love and friendship cannot subsist in the same bosom; even when inspired by different objects they weaken or destroy each other, and for the same object can only be felt in succession. The vain fears and fond jealousies, the winds which fan the flame of love, when judiciously or artfully tempered, are both incompatible with the tender confidence and sincere respect of friendship.

A Vindication of the Rights of Women by Mary Wollstonecraft

My first instinct on reading that was a loud and immediate "NO!" I've always had ideals in my head of the ways things should be and the small degree of compromise I could allow in my real life. The past few months, however, I had been caught up in a strange tide of delusion (?), trying to fit things to the way that I imagined they could be in my head. There are no excuses for my behaviour. Just that, self-control becomes alot more complicated when there is something you want very badly, which you know is not actually meant to be yours.

What i find important in a relationship: friendship, because it's wonderful to imagine how you love somebody so much you can actually stand being his friend. not that friends are more, or less, but a lover who is also a friend means I can come clean. it's not about the romantic intrigue we try to keep burning. I don't think i'm a person of value or virtues- they're useless because love is lawless and lovers are blameless people. you don't get more love because you're a better person. who is better than who? who decides anyway? you don't always love the one good for you. no matter what you do he might still never love you back. so accept it. there's no use breaking your heart against a word like trust, unless trust means the same thing to both people.

there's no such thing as forgive and forget. unless he's someone you can forget, you never (really) forgive. and it's not hate or anger. it's just hurt, and what do you do about that? i don't need you to stand by me when i'm right. come bury the body with me when i do wrong. no questions asked. surely there are more important things than being right.

i want someone who gets me. you know where i'm coming from. when we speak one language of love, hearts sing... and we can sing of anything. and that's about the only real thing we have together.

To Know Where I'm Coming From by Johann S. Lee

Perhaps the thing that I need, and yet have been so reluctant to pursue, is closure. I want to believe I can do it on my own, without a need for understanding or the vulnerability which follows an honest admission. And I have been lingering for three years. But I think I can finally admit where the boundaries of my pride and reality are.

I know I don't sound like it, but I am very glad to be back in Singapore. The journey here is always unpleasant, where I miss Canberra as well as the cozy and productive, somewhat independent life I had created. But as always, it's the sight of my dad picking me up from the airport, excitedly taking pictures of me as I come through the gate, which gives me the familiar sense of rolling my eyes and with it, remembrance of all that I've left behind.

My sister will be 5 in August, and she's growing up beautifully, while simultaneously leaving us agape at her boisterous antics. From the moment I wake up on the first morning back, she's the first thing I see, peering closely at my face. I have not had a spare moment since. She's always around (she would follow me into the toilet if she could) and the way she can be so excited at the mere glimpse of you, never fails to amuse me. She is very probably the most precious thing I could have right now.

Friends have been wonderful too. ZY was the first person I met, and she kept the tradition alive of meeting me the moment I touched down (ie 1 am in the morning). She's hard at work now as we speak, but I'm looking forward to her getting some rest next week and when we can go traipsing about in our usual, messy fashion. I've also met Eech, Terry, and Tong whom on some level, I've always had big-sisterly feelings towards. They remain as lovely as they always were, and their attempt this break is to fatten me up into "life-size". They always naturally bring back the part of me that I try to suppress sometimes - that impressionable, silly and carefree girl in secondary school, and I love them dearly for it. And I'm meeting Vanny in a few hours, Cammy in a few days (and hopefully Jianwei too). The few of them especially, I don't know what I would do without. We have drifted since our JC days, and we are all so busy now, but it somehow feels like they still share a big part of my life as they used to.

Here are my goals these three weeks - to spend as much time as I can with my family and friends, watch the world cup games, swim occasionally and EAT. I've also decided to take a break from MSN and the online world in general. Because in all honesty coupled with my feeble willpower, if I am to make a genuine attempt at recovering and moving on, it can only be this way. So the next time I blog, it will probably be in Canberra. If I return before then, I hereby give you permission to give me a swift kick on the butt.

Have a good week!