Today was a shitty day. Quick ask me why. Well, it's my second last day in Singapore. And as uneasy as I'm feeling about leaving now, I do realize how lucky I am, to be able to go somewhere with the feeble grades I got. I'm genuinely moved, to have a family who is willing to sacrifice a lavish lifestyle for me, and friends who would take the trouble to meet me to say goodbye. And I was really quite happy this morning, sitting in the tang yuan shop with a bunch of my close friends. And then came the realization that that was the last time. I wish we could have sat there just a little while longer.
About 8 of us ate dinner at clarke quay, including my teacher Mr Yoong. It was really exciting and comforting at the same time, to see someone you trust and respect tell you about his life, his mistakes and the rock bands he likes (although Travis' latest album was indeed disappointing, despite what he says). But when he commented on the International Relations course, I realized why I was feeling so uneasy lately. Because Arts/Psych is not really what I want to do. Is it? I have no clue. I do get to major in International Relations in the Arts course though, which actually makes it even more pathetic, trying to pursue a shadow of what you really want to do. And Mr Yoong also said something else that life is all downhill after Uni and I vaguely believe him. Will this be the peak of my life? It bothers me that there's nothing better to look forward to. Which makes me want to prove him wrong all the more.
I was a shitload of problems in my two years in JC and the poster girl for passive-aggressive rebellion. I guess I have more or less come to terms with all that rubbish, but I just wish I had a chance to explain it all to certain people what happened. And to thank them for getting me through all the rubbish. Especially to the person who said to me "It's time to stop hurting the people around us." There's not much I can do to apologize or thank him, but hopefully he knows that he has made an impact in my life, and how sincerely glad I am to have known him.
I know I need to get stronger, and I will. I'm too reliant on the people around me to stand up for me and to be there for me. I'm gonna rock Australia, so the next time you see me, I'd probably have joined a biker gang and hiding a tattoo somewhere.
