Here's a non-hypothetical. Lately I've been feeling angry for no reason. It's a little troubling, the way I would be doing something unrelated and recognize the heavyness as anger. It's not full-blown anger per se, but I guess anger is the closest I can identify a prolonged mixture of anxiety and impatience.
I've been dreaming occasionally. It probably stems from how much I want my freedom. Its optimistic and unrealistic, but there's a voice inside that keeps saying that being away and missing home is better than being home and wishing you were somewhere else. It's a quiet sort of desperation for something. Independence? I have no clue. But I do wish I could be somewhere not here.
I realize that my closest friends, the ones I can speak to about anything and I sort of understand, are atheists. Religion is a big deal to me, because I want to believe and I know how it will put me at peace with myself and my environment. No, it's not really the peace of mind, but I guess it's more of an emotional support I need. But I need more than just words to convince myself that I have not put my faith into a mystical god, like Zeus. This is not the first time I have used these words. And probably will not be the last.
Jai guru deva om?
